*I have to first note that I have been "working " on this post for a while and have not had the courage to post it until now. So please forgive me if some of the timing sounds off- I have gone back to proof but may have missed somethings.
A few months ago at church I watched as 2 teenagers were baptized. It was amazing and brought me to tears. Tears of happiness that as such an young age, they "get it!"
It also brought me to tears for myself....mourning for the younger girl that I once was.
In one of my last blog posts I touched on my time with depression that started in my high school years and continued to "stalk" me through early adulthood. I often find myself thinking about that time in my life and mourning the person that I could be today had I not gone through that time in my life. Don't get me wrong, I am 99.9% satisfied with where I am today:) It's just hard not to think about who I could have become or how my life would have been different if I were to "get it" early on in life.
I recently started training to become a mentor at the church we attend. I went into this training thinking, "OK, I've got this!" My life is messy, my past is messier and here I am working to turn that mess into something good. Little did I know, part of this training was to reflect on our past experiences and mentor each other through the curriculum. The most recent time that I reflected on was 2008 & 2009 where I delivered Avery & Grace stillborn (at 5.5 mos. pregnant), suffered a miscarriage at 13 weeks and then delivered Braxton, who was diagnosed with Spina Bifida.
To label that year as overwhelming is a true understatement. As I have told you before, that year was dark and I had NO idea how to navigate my feelings those years. I was certainly not relying on God in those moments. I was relying on myself. To be honest, I was angry with Him and wanted nothing to do with Him. I was reacting to these circumstances how I had always reacted.....MY WAY..... because that is all I knew to do.
The day that we recieved Braxton's diagnosis I had 2 roads sitting in front of me.......to go absolutely crazy about all that had happened and continue my life in anger, sadness, regret & selfishness OR...
I could realize that I was broken and that I was ready to trust in God's plan for me and trust that is was a good plan. I wanted Him in my life more at that moment than I had ever wanted him before.
Looking at Braxton, the choice was very clear. I wanted God's plan for me, for him and for our family. I wanted HOPE, LOVE & PEACE and that is the direction our family has been going for the past 5+ years.
And it has been amazing.
Sure we have our ups and downs and we, by no means, have a "Perfect Life." I am, by no means, the "Perfect Mom" or the "Perfect Wife", although Facebook may tell you different:)
We struggle.....sometimes daily.
And that is OK because this is who we are!
But I can tell you this, our commitment to each other as a family through Christ has brought a level of peace in our house that can never be replaced. As I have been told by others, it has brought a gracious dynamic that you can see in Brett and I as a couple and throughout our kid's spirits.
And here we are, our tenth year as a family.
And here I am......35 today.
If I could speak to that teenage-twenty-something Kelli......
I wish that I could hug her and speak truth to her.
I wish she would of known that she didn't have to be tough and independent to survive.
I wish she would of known that she was of value and is lovable.
I wish she would have respected herself.....emotionally, spiritually & physically.
I wish she would have known that she didn't have to be the one in control.
I wish she would have known that emotions do not represent truth.
I wish she would have known that she does measure up.
I wish she would have known that God was not punishing her for her sins.
I wish she would have known that she could be happy, no matter what her circumstances are.
And while it is sad that this is who I mourn for, it is unbelievably freeing to be rid of these false beliefs. It is peaceful.
I am still a mess and have mess in me.
But it is ME.
It is REAL.
It is TRUTH.
And I now know truth.
I now know that I don't have to be tough and independent to survive.
I now know that I am of value and am lovable.
I now respect myself.......emotionally, spiritually & physically.
I now know that I am not in control....and am more than happy to hand that over to God.
I now know that emotions are not truth, they are just simply emotions.
I now know that I will always measure up.
I now know that I am not being punished, as we all have trials in our lives.
I now know that it is my choice to be happy or not with my circumstances.
This is who I am and I am proud to own it because I am worth it.
I am of value.
I am loved.
I am loved by God and that is sufficient for me.
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| photo by Channah M. |
Who would have thought 35 would feel so good????
xo- Kelli
