behind the title......

The definition of perfection is “the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.” 

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted the perfect life….to be the perfect daughter…..the perfect friend……the perfect sister……the perfect wife……to have the perfect family……you get the “perfect picture?”  So coincidentally, every time I did not succeed in this striving for perfection, I was let down tremendously and retreated.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that by setting these impossible expectations of myself and the world around me was actually allowing myself to always be “let down.”  I wanted to learn to stop myself….to stop expecting….to stop trying to control and relinquish my life to Him.  

In 2007 my husband and I found out that we were expecting twin girls….to say we were on “cloud nine” was an understatement.  We were ecstatic to think that not only were we about to experience the miracle of a child but that this experience was going to be multiplied!  Wow!  How special were we???  How perfect was our life????  At 5 ½ months pregnant we lost our girls to Twin-to-Twin Transfusion.  We were aware of the possibility of this disease due to them being identical but the chances were low so in medical terms we really didn't expect it.  Well it happened…..and it happened fast….there was nothing that we could do.  By the time we made it to our “second opinion” appointment we heard the words that will play over and over again in my mind,  “I’m sorry, they are both gone.”  Ultrasound machine off, doctor exits room, I get dressed, walk out to the car, walk into the hospital, get induced and deliver our girls, Avery Love & Grace Louise……..we were devastated.  All I could think was Why????  Why did this happen to us?

2008 was the hardest of my life….I felt so out of place in life.  Everyone around me knew about what happened, people I would eventually meet already knew….they had heard.  The level of insecurity was almost unbearable at times.  About 3 months later I found out I was pregnant again.  And 11 weeks into my pregnancy I heard those words again, “I am sorry, the baby is gone.”  WHAT????  I wanted to just scream!  Was this seriously happening again????? And again….why, why, why?????  
Later in the Fall, about 3 months after that miscarriage I took a pregnancy test and it showed positive.  Excited???  Well sort of.  Nervous????  Ummm yep!  That was the longest 9 months of my life!  Let me repeat, Longest 9 months ever.

In May of 2009 we welcomed our son, Braxton Robert, into this world.  We did it!  He’s here….in my arms….10 fingers…..10 toes……ahhhhhh perfect, what a GREAT feeling!  You mean, what a great feeling for a day.  Within minutes the nursing staff noticed a few hemangiomas and swelling on his lower back.  They assumed it was from delivery but went ahead and scheduled some tests to make sure.  We are getting settled in our room as a new family when the phone rings.  It was our pediatrician calling to tell us that it is a spine problem and that Braxton would need to be ambulanced over to the Scottish Rite (local children’s hospital) and would be admitted to the NICU.  After a week stay and a series of tests he was diagnosed with a Lipomyelomeningocele (I know, say that five times fast).  It is under the Spina Bifida umbrella which I am sure most of you have heard of.  The immediate treatment would be surgery as soon as possible.  I vividly remember sitting in the NICU with him and praying to God that this not be true.  That everything I Googled that night would be false.  I pleaded with God to let Braxton beat the odds…to show me a miracle in him.  I desperately needed that in that moment. That is the night that I made a promise to God that I would no longer fight for control and I let Him take the wheel.

On July 15^th 2009, Braxton had his spinal cord surgery to untether the mass that was at the base of his spine.  He was just 8 weeks old.  Any mother that has been in a surgery situation can attest to the gut wrenching feeling when you release your baby to the surgical team nurse and can’t help but think, “Will I see him again?”  And then we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Hours later he was back in our arms.  Safe.  The doc came in and we chatted a bit.  I can remember Brett asking him, “Will he play sports?” His response, “Well, let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here.”  This just broke my heart.  He explained that the mass was much more entwined than he anticipated.  He got as much as he could but we should expect another surgery in his future.  When?  We are not sure, so right now we wait.  This surgery, to our surprise, would actually not be his only surgery at that time.  We had many complications with the healing of the incision site, extreme bacterial infections, blood transfusions, damaging of major nerves in his left leg that actually led to him have 3 additional surgeries in the few weeks following.  We basically lived at the hospital for about 6 weeks until he was well enough to be taken home.

Since this day, our family has experienced nothing short of a miracle.  Every day a boy runs through our house that doctors at one point couldn't even tell us if he would walk. He jumps. He kicks. He is potty trained.  He rides a tricycle. He swims. He dances in the rain. He digs in the mud. He is a perfect boy. He beat the diagnosis.  He beat the Google searches.  He beat the text books.  He beat the odds. 
Our Family has also grown in the past years.  Most of our family and friends thought we were crazy to try so soon for another baby but we trusted God to bring him to us healthy and whole and in November of 2010 we welcomed another son, Wyatt James.

Through these years I have learned to “Let go and let God.”  I know, so cliché but SO life changing.  Once I took the control out of the equation and allowed Him in my heart without any false expectations set; I could take a deep breath and truly appreciate the gifts in my life.  Little did I know that these past years were part of God’s perfect plan.  I may never have the answers to the “why” questions of the past but what I do have answered is that my life is forever better with the trust that I put in Him.

God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom, but we simple have to trust His will. - Psalm 37:5

You see, I have realized that this is not my life. It is God’s life for me and I am learning to embrace His perfection.